


focal point

by kagshina



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Relationship Study, except they've kind of always been both, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 17:40:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7811155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kagshina/pseuds/kagshina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Yeah well, he’s my annoying boyfriend,” Shouyou huffs, and then he steers the conversation towards Kenma, “Speaking of boyfriends, how’s Kuroo?”</p><p>“Kuroo isn’t my boyfriend,” Kenma replies evenly, despite his quickening heart rate. </p><p>“He might as well be.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	focal point

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shou/gifts).



> what!! even!! is!! this!! i have no idea  
> i did not proof read this?? i am so sorry i'm tired i'm going to bed  
> LOVE U OONA  
> IM BRANCHING OUT FOR YOU  
> WRITING SOMETHING THAT ISN'T IWAOI OR KAGEHINA

“ _I’m here if you want to talk_ ,” Kuroo texts him on days when Kenma isn’t doing well. He knows if he said the words aloud, Kenma wouldn’t know what to do with them, would feel forced to give some sort of response he didn’t have the energy to give. The words are easier to deal with when all he has to do is look at them, when he can take his time to think of a response.

Today, all he says back is, “ _I know_.”

Sometimes he wants to talk to Kuroo, wants to explain the jumbled mess that is his mind, but he wouldn’t know where to start, or where to go after that, or where to end. So he only says what needs to be said, text messages like “ _I need extra space today_ ” or “ _I’m not in a touching mood_ ”. Kuroo never asks for an explanation, only responds with the reassurance that he’s there if Kenma needs anything, and he never makes fun of him for not being able to say the words aloud.

Later in the night, Kenma texts Kuroo to tell him he beat the new game they’d bought together last week, and Kuroo texts back immediately.

 **[12:31 AM] Kuroo** : does that mean we have to go find you a new game this weekend?  
[ **12:31 AM] Kuroo** : also it’s past midnight go to sleep  
**[12:31 AM] Kenma** : there’s nothing good out right now  
**[12:32 AM] Kuroo** : kenma!! don’t ignore me when i tell u to sleep!!  
**[12:32 AM] Kuroo** : ur not getting out of this that easily!!  
**[12:32 AM] Kenma** : you can’t tell me to sleep when you’re awake too  
**[12:33 AM] Kuroo** : i’m studying  
**[12:33 AM] Kenma** : so am i  
**[12:33 AM] Kuroo** : so if i came over right now that’s what you’d be doing then  
**[12:33 AM] Kenma** : yes  
**[12:34 AM] Kenma** : but i could just be saying that  
**[12:34 AM] Kenma** : you won’t know unless you actually come over  
**[12:35 AM] Kuroo** : really? bc i can be over in 5 mins  
**[12:35 AM] Kenma** : don’t be late

Four minutes later, Kuroo is tapping at his window. He doesn’t move from the comfort of his bed, deciding to wait another minute before letting Kuroo in. He’s early, after all. Kuroo’s tapping grows louder, and just as Kenma pushes himself up, there’s a loud thump against his window. Definitely not Kuroo’s hand.

“Did you seriously throw a rock at my window?”

Kuroo shrugs before placing his hands on the window frame, “It’s romantic.” He pushes himself up, putting one leg through and then the next.

“Breaking my window isn’t romantic,” Kenma replies, closing his window before he turns to Kuroo, who’s already made himself comfortable in Kenma’s bed. He’s wearing pajama pants and a pullover, and his hair’s the same bedheaded mess that it always is. It’s a comforting sight. Familiar.

Kenma sits next to Kuroo, backs pressed against the wall, legs touching, feet hanging off the edge of the bed. He look at Kuroo, and Kuroo looks back. Kenma knows he’s looking to see if Kenma is okay, if he’s better than he was at school. He also knows Kuroo won’t ask, he’ll wait to let Kenma talk about it if that’s what he wants. Right now, it’s not.

“You weren’t doing your homework,” Kuroo says finally.

“I tried,” Kenma admits.

“Do you want to do it now?”

“I’ll do it in the morning.”

“Do you want to go to bed?”

“I won’t fall asleep right away.”

Kuroo nods, understanding. “Want to play video games until you can fall asleep?”

“Sure.”

They spend two hours playing, sitting cross legged on Kenma’s bed, knees touching. There’s not a lot of conversation, and Kenma is grateful for that. Sometimes, all he wants is to be with Kuroo, without all the added pressure.

Over the years, Kuroo’s gotten good at taking all the pressure away. With him, it’s easy. It’s natural. He doesn’t have to feel on edge.

When their heads finally hit their pillows, Kenma doesn’t find sleep right away, but he finds it eventually, and he makes do with the little he gets. He always does.

The days trudge on, and the days turn to weeks, and then to months, and then they’ve got a practice match against Fukurodani.

Kuroo’s in a good mood, always is when he gets to see Bokuto, and Kenma likes it when he’s happy, but he feels himself sinking to the background the moment Fukurodani walks through their gym doors.

Kenma likes Bokuto. More specifically, he likes that Kuroo has someone like Bokuto he can rely on, someone who makes him smile, someone who gives him a chance to let loose and just gave a good time, but Kenma finds himself exhausted whenever he has to hang around the both of them.

He tries to ignore the bad mood that grows when Kuroo pulls Bokuto in for a hug, and they slam their hands against each other’s back and share excited greetings. Kenma isn’t jealous, except he kind of is and he hates it, because he wishes he could be happy for Kuroo without the added jealousy, but it’s there, refusing to go away.

“They’re quite the pair when they get together, aren’t they?” Akaashi stops next to him, and Kenma nods. He likes Akaashi. His presence never makes him feel overwhelmed.

The practice match starts and ends, just as every day, and they walk home together in silence. Kuroo texts him the moment they part ways.

 **[7:58 AM] Kuroo** : you okay?  
**[7:58 AM] Kenma** : yeah

It’s not a lie. He is okay. He’s okay most of the time, but he’s rarely good. Even rarer is he great.

 **[7:58 PM] Kuroo** : okay  
**[7:58 AM] Kuroo** : if you need me i’m here  
**[7:59 AM] Kenma** : you always are  
**[7:59 AM] Kuroo** : always will be

Kenma’s not sure about that, about the promise of always. Kuroo says it a lot, that he’ll always be there, and so far that’s been true, but graduation is less than a year away and maybe just like high school, he’ll leave Kenma behind.

 **[8:00 PM] Kenma** : you don’t know that for sure  
**[8:00 PM] Kuroo** : i’m more sure about that then i am anything else

Kenma’s not sure what to say to that, so he doesn’t say anything. He wishes he could be that sure.

Kenma has a good day a few weeks later, when Shouyou calls him. He’s not usually a fan of talking on the phone, but Shouyou does most of the talking, and all Kenma really has to do is listen. It’s nice to hear his voice, nice to hear how he’s doing.

“Ugh, he’s so annoying,” Shouyou complains, finishing his rant about Kageyama.

“He’s your boyfriend,” Kenma points out, and he’s smiling, because he knows no matter how annoying Shouyou thinks Kageyama is, he still really likes him.

“Yeah well, he’s my annoying boyfriend,” Shouyou huffs, and then he steers the conversation towards Kenma, “Speaking of boyfriends, how’s Kuroo?”

“Kuroo isn’t my boyfriend,” Kenma replies evenly, despite his quickening heart rate.

“He might as well be.”

If it was anyone other than Shouyou telling him that, he’d probably get mad, but Shouyou just said things as he saw them, and he wasn’t completely off. Kenma and Kuroo hadn’t been just friends for some time, but that didn’t make them a couple. He wasn’t sure what they were.

“Kuroo can do better than me,” Kenma says, and he regrets it the second he lets the words out, because even though that’s how he feels, he doesn’t need Shouyou knowing that’s how he feels.

“That’s stupid!” Hinata protests, and Kenma knew that was coming. What he didn’t expect was, “You should see the way he looks at you. I don’t even think Kageyama looks at me like that.” He pauses for a moment before adding, almost thoughtfully, “He might look at a volleyball like that though. But listen, he’s totally in love with you. Anyone who sees the two of you together would know it.”

Maybe that’s true. Maybe Kuroo is in love with him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he deserves better. He wishes he was everything Kuroo deserved, but Kenma was a work in progress, and he didn’t want to drag Kuroo down.

“Can we talk about something else?”

Shouyou changes the topic without another word on the subject, jumping right into a story about how Kageyama tripped and got milk all over himself during lunch.

They talk until Shouyou has to leave for dinner, and Kenma is left smiling. Usually, he leaves conversations, especially conversations that long, drained of energy, but sometimes talking to Shouyou does the opposite. It’s rare, but he’s grateful for when it happens. He’s grateful for Shouyou.

He decides to text Kuroo.

 **[7:01 PM] Kenma** : do you want to come over?  
**[7:01 PM] Kenma** : you can stay the night  
**[7:05 PM] Kuroo** : be over in 10  
**[7:05 PM] Kenma** : use the door this time  
**[7:07 PM] Kuroo** : but i like the window  
**[7:07 PM] Kuroo** : it makes me feel like your secret lover  
**[7:08 PM] Kenma** : you’re too loud to be a secret  
**[7:08 PM] Kuroo** : ;)

Kenma rolls his eyes, biting back a smile. He plays games on his phone until Kuroo bursts through his door. He jumps, even though he should be used to Kuroo’s sudden entries by now.

They work on homework until Kenma can’t focus any longer, and then they find themselves lying side by side, staring at the ceilings, arms pressed together. Kenma yawns, and he feels Kuroo glance at him for a moment, and Kenma can feel he has something he wants to say.

Twenty minutes pass, and Kuroo has still said nothing.

“I can tell you’re thinking about something, Kuro. You can say whatever it is, it’s okay.”

Kenma hopes it really is okay. He’s nervous, he’s always nervous about potentially important conversations, but he takes careful breaths and keeps his eyes on the ceiling.

Kuroo lets out a breath. “You know I’ll always be there for you, right?”

Kenma’s heart beats faster in his chest. More nerves, maybe some butterflies mixed in there too. So this is a conversation about them.

“I know.” Does he?

“Do you?”

“I think so,” Kenma says, closer to the truth.

Kuroo’s quiet, lets a few moments pass before he says, “I’m not going to leave you when I leave high school.”

Kenma lets the words sink in before he tries responding. Kuroo gives him the time he needs. “I know that...somewhere in my mind. It gets lost sometimes.”

Kuroo’s response is to take Kenma’s hand in his, and he’s pretty sure that at this point Kuroo can hear the beating of his chest. It’s ridiculously loud.

He finally risks a look at Kuroo, and Kuroo is already looking at him. They lock eyes, stay like that for a while, processing the situation.

“Are you in love with me?” Kenma asks after some consideration. He’s holding his breath as he waits for an answer, but he doesn’t have to wait long.

“Yes.”

“What if I can’t make you happy?” There it is, his fear, out in the open.

“You already do,” Kuroo tells him, and it makes his heart hurt. But is it enough? Will it always be enough?

When Kenma doesn’t respond right away, Kuroo takes that as an opportunity to keep going, “It’s always been you, Kenma. That’s not going to change. I’m happy every day that I get to spend with you.”

Kenma says what he knows is true, “It’s always been you, too.”

Kuroo’s eyes flash to Kenma’s lips, and then back to his eyes. “Can I kiss you?”

“Okay,” Kenma says, feeling a million things at once.

Kuroo leans in slowly, giving Kenma a chance to back out at any time. Instead, he closes the short gap between them. It’s short and sweet, just lips touching lips, and there’s no fireworks, but Kenma feels good. He feels safe.

When their lips part, they press their foreheads together, and it feels like a promise. It feels like Kuroo saying always.

“I’m in love with you, too.”


End file.
